To be fair, I never was into journals... In fact... why would I write something from inside my mind... when everyone could find it ? The mystery had to be concealed at all times
My biggest secret was how I was thinking.... Nobody should have access to that.... .... And that also kept control of my memories.... All my life I just wished to remember only what was important for me, what gave something positive as memoryes, or good times to tell the others how good things from the past were.... And everything that was no good, bad memoryes or just... average non-important, to be forgotten for ever.... never to be able to influence any more than a little page in my past...
This is the fact....And why I didn't want to write journals..... and why I also disliked the idea....As a kid I considered myself a misunderstood genius (LOL)
....SO a dose of mystery should have surrounded all that's related to me.... and , it was my wish... that if I sometime would become famous, a mistery should surround me much more after my humble life ended..... and many questions to be raised for long time after my existence... "controversial" to be my second name....
A crazy kid's dream... But...That's just me
I have written some journal entries in the past, here on Deviantart....They are the only journals I have ever written in my whole life.. and, in fact... they are not journals at all... just some stories.... some thoughts.... not some day's events
NOW though....It's my first (and, maybe last
real journal entry.... Why ? It must then be something big...
Well....It is... For me.... And.... differently said, for me it's that big that I have to write it somewhere.... and have it there for good.... for both "not-to-be-found-By-others" and "Always to be remembered where it is...by me"
Yes... my real-life friends... don't enjoy art very much, and.... this is the reason not many will read this.... Even if they somehow find it , for me it's so important to have it and not to be forgotten.... as I would be able to share it with everyone
Besides..If I write it on paper..I will certainly forget where it is and, maybe , throw it away by mistake
So.... THis night, when, as always, I had trouble sleeping, I had the biggest revelation in my life...
I always knew I was looking for something, that never had a name.... I knew that some people had something special for me, and others... were no worth mentioning.... I knew that there are some who could instantly catch my attention... my question was always ... "Why ?? " ..
I am a very-hard-to-be-impressed- kind of person.... there is so much that someone has to be, and to do, to catch my eye... I couldn't myself name all these .... but it's a lot of things that only together would, somehow... catch my eye.... tell me there is something worthy for the one to be looked for more closely...
That being said.... there are very few special ones in my life.... not anyone could be all that I was "demanding" for me to be special....
All my life I was craving to find such persons, because they would have so many things to share, to be explored.... as my insatiable thirst of knowledge, and pleasure of admiring, .... to always have something new to find about them....
Yet...the impossible happened... there were some ones even "more special"... they had nothing exactly to be said about... but caught my eye instantly.... impressed me so much, without me knowing more than a very few things about them.... They were able to prove the impossible, to impress me that much as I would remain speechless...I ... I .... who always had answers for any question....I . who never remained silent... for more than a short times at best....
Why were they so special ? They looked like average people..... everyone around them found them not out-of -the-ordinary either.... But.... they had some magic inside.... just a drop and a magic word.... and they become everything that I would want to know at the time.... the bright light that blinds everything else
I didn't know what it was..... Or its name... but that magic thing they had.... was my desire in life...I couldn't even love somebody who didn't have it....
I first started questioning : --What it is
--Why does that thing have so much (if any) influence on me.... to instantly block anything else I would be thinking.... and all my thinking to go on one direction.... nothing else could have such power over me.... on ME.... who always have an over-powerfull self-control.... I never (if ever) lose head.... I never become irrational.... I never lose temper...I never live the moment... I never go with the flow.... So... why is there something that has the power to change that ?? If there is one, I want it..BADLY
Years have come and gone.... The answers remained hidden, and so the questions, because such events were so rare.... as they were no concern for the "Real" life... like an astronomical event... never (or once) in your life-time....if You are lucky
)))
THis night though.... The nameless has shown its face..... Suddenly, I found the answer I had been looking for in years....
Yes... It had a face... It was a beautiful one.... and it shined like a star..... And its name is... CREATIVITY
YES....CREATIVITY..... is the thing I was looking for all my life... without knowing it, without understanding why....I was craving for creativity and that.. is my light that guided all my life.... that showed a path of light for my way... no matter how dark it was outside.....
Whoever has it, would have power over me (sounds scary, too
.... But I bet the government won't find it any way
))
If anyone wants to have any part at all in my life, and couldn't access it any other way.... the magic wand would probably do its number